Love Life Report Card

I have been in a functional, amazing relationship for a few months now and it is amazing. Never really had this type of relationship before. This was made clear to me when today I get an e-mail from a past "fling" (I don't know what to call it - it was less than dating, definitely not my boyfriend, so I guess fling is the best word). It got me thinking about my past love life - the results are not good. These are the highlights:

1. Gay Will - the name says it all on this one. Dated in high school, totally convinced himself he wasn't gay, but he really was. Example: muscial theater, Mariah Carey mix tape with a poem using all the titles. Tried to break up with him, he broke up with me like a week later because he just didn't want me to do it. Tard.
2. Pygme - that isn't really his name, but he was petite and tiny and Dominican - he just needed a loin cloth and spear to complete the look. Also known as Indian in the Cupboard. Man from above e-mail who sparked this whole thing. Not only was he 30 to my 19, he was also living with his girlfriend (which I didn't know). Ended because he left to go back to New York. Only called for booty - last time was after my dad died and he told me he was married, though didn't rule out the booty.
3. Pothead - again, not his real name. He was the one that I lived with - he was really boring after Pygme, but only 26 to my 20. He was a deadbeat who spent the rent money on pot. He worked at Giant and couldn't stop smoking pot so that he could pass a drug test. Broke up with him by calling his parents and telling them that he was a drug addict. He got sent to rehab, to which I sensitively replied: "Who gets addicted to pot? It's not physically possible, you moron" he then whined, "But I'm also addicted to opiates" to which I replied "You wish, dumbass." Responsible for a judgment on my credit. Checked his MySpace recently during a lull at work - he lies about his age on MySpace. First engagement.
4. Fucktard - this was what Sandie and Eddie called him. He was a nice guy - just not for me. Dated him while finishing school. Mom was completely white trash and racist. Divorced the dad so that she could get drunk and whore in bars. But would also pretend to be super-religous and was obsessed with her daughter. Moment of fame was when he brought me a 5-feet-high Scooby Doo stuffed animal that said "I Ruff You." Cheesy, cheesy guy. Brother was fun, though. Asked me to marry him on the marquee of the Uptown theater - wanted to say no, but didn't know how to get out gracefully. He gave me an out when he threw a tantrum after my mom died.
5. Delusional Psycopath - same as 2 in terms of definition of relationship. He was amazingly entertaining. Retarded habit of shaving his whole back with this long stick-like contraption. Would also take shoes off in movie theaters for no reason. Smoked A LOT of weed. Ended first time when moved to CA, but since his boss didn't recognize his brilliance of sitting in the car and getting high in the parkign lot, he left and came back here. Stayed with me for a while, then left to go to Scotland - leaving because he was "disappointed" in me. Had a girlfriend the whole time. Claim to fame was his delusion that I was writing blogs about him and his coworkers were reading them. His ex and I talk about him ocassionally - he is convinced that we are out to get him. Favorite quote "no one could have gotten into my Gmail - it's only accessible by my thumbprint" and "I can get a transcript of all of your blogs on MySpace, I know Tom." Hahahah -still makes me laugh.
6. Dewey - sort of in same category as 2 & 5. Big asshole, but I kept going with it. Don't really know why. Totally useless. Saw him simultaneously with #5 (during the times where #5 was away - wasn't two timing anyone). Scared to try anything new and quick to judge people - but he was really jealous of those who actually took chances and risks in their lives. Will die sad and alone. Don't care if he does or doesn't, but that's my prediction. Ended when I sold my parents' house. Favorite thing was when he told me that I whined too much about my parents' death - parents' die, I just need to get over it.

The results aren't good. It has taken me 10 years, but finally I am managing to be in a relationship with an amazing and wonderful person. He's handsome, intellingent, funny and kind; I am really lucky. So it was worth the crap to get to this point - but damn, there was a lot of crap.