Grey area revisited (from La Choi's previous post)

So La Choi brought up the whole grey area (or is it grey? Long pause as lookup the difference between gray and grey - basically, grey is a "colour" while gray is a color - since I am an anglophile, I think I will stick with grey to be more authentically wannabe - think Madonna). Anyway, the grey area is not unfamiliar to anyone who has been single for more than 10 minutes. It's a dating purgatory - when the relationship is stuck between casual dating and exclusive relationship. It's the part where you start to think that maybe this person isn't the Antichrist, a fuckwit, a crossdresser who will beat you with his dildo for stealing his shoes. When you realize that you like this person more than just a once-a-week date/sex/awkward conversation. It's before you've had the talk about where this relationship is going. And if you are not open about the fact that you or he may be dating other people (which one of you probably is), this is the time when you may have to acknowledge that fact. And this may come out in slight paranoia every time he says he is busy, even if he is doing his laundry or working over the weekend.

And I know this happens to me, but I start to hate being single. I am fine when I am completely unattached, but when the possibility is there, just out of reach, is when I start to feel like a singleton. It's an aggravating phase that lasts until I either break up with the person (unleashing a whole lot of dating/rejection neuroses) or get into an exclusive relationship (unleashing the relationship neuroses and self-sabotage). So neither is a good place for me - one day I'll probably have to work on that. But I am coming to terms that I am going to die alone with cats - provided that they are droid cats and I don't have to deal with actual care, cleaning and feeding. But I digress. . .

I am currently in a situation that could be constituted as a grey area. I wrestle with the question of whether to push the situation to something that neither of us may be ready for - it's like there is this conventional, bourgeoisie, cotillian dancing traditionalist who is evil and fills my head with annoying thoughts of the Volvo-driving, soccer mom lifestyle that I wouldn't be able to tolerate (apologies to any VDSMs who take offense, but I had to raise a brother from the worst ages ever - 14 to 18 - and I my biological clock has been snoozed for about 10 years). It's like I can't accept that this relationship is good where it is - this could all be part of the self-sabotage again. I should just accept it, though - it's great where it is right now. Can I just accept that?

I don't know if there is someone out there who I will be able to settle down with one day - I just know I don't want to decide one day that I'm ready to settle down and settle with the person I am with at the time - that is settling for mediocrity, as La Choi pointed out.