New world order, please

I have come to understand that any job I could possibly have entails the production of goods or services. I have nothing against goods or services - in fact, I quite enjoy both. These goods and services are produced to either:

1. add entertainment value to our lives (television shows, durable goods like the Wii, CDs, etc.) OR
2. to make life easier for us (Clorox Disinfecting Wipes, Monistat 1-day, etc.)

The latter give us more time to enjoy the former, in theory. However, this is not the case. It simply means that we have more time to work so that we can enjoy durable goods and pay for such luxuries as housing, electricity and food (and the ever increasing price of such goods). Call me crazy, but I actually want to enjoy these durable goods and not just think about spending time with them whenever I have a spare moment from work.

My point is that I have no desire to work more than I am working - in fact, I want to work less. Or not at all. Though this is not an option unless I either marry well or become a drug dealer or sex worker, I will just imagine the things that I would do if I didn't need health insurance and bill money:

• spend more time with loved ones, though this is difficult as they have jobs, but this is first priority
  
• learn an instrument (or a couple), maybe even join a band with other nonworking fun guys
• travel, mainly having to stay in hostels or bumming around, but traveling - anywhere, really - ideally space travel, but alas, we are not there yet
  
• learn languages for fun and for said travel (Arabic, French and Esparanto especially)
  
• write The Great American Novel (so cliched it's disgusting, but I'm being honest)
• learn a martial art
• community work - battered women, abused children, mentoring
• be in a theater production
• learn how to make really good pastry dough
• catch up on great movies and literature

This is just a start - I think that I could fill up my time if I didn't work. Need to figure out a way - maybe move to Italy. They haven't produced anything in a long time and don't care if you sit around smoking in a cafe all day.

Or maybe I'll just sit around watching television all day. That could very well happen. I amend my day to include watching television and movies, reading, eating and having sex. What else does a person need?

Cake Delivery

[also on MySpace]

B drew this picture for me one day when I said I wanted cake. It makes me happy. . . it has wheels.

This quote from Beautiful Girls gets me everytime:

Supermodels are beautiful girls, Will. A beautiful girl can make you dizzy, like you've been drinking Jack and Coke all morning. She can make you feel high full of the single greatest commodity known to man - promise. Promise of a better day. Promise of a greater hope. Promise of a new tomorrow. This particular aura can be found in the gait of a beautiful girl. In her smile, in her soul, the way she makes every rotten little thing about life seem like it's going to be okay. The supermodels, Willy? That's all they are. Bottled promise. Scenes from a brand new day. Hope dancing in stiletto heels.

Little known facts. . .

My great-uncle invented the three-way lightbulb. Seriously. Proof is below.

He was also an Italian Count. He just keeps getting cooler.

Here is an article about my great uncle (by marriage) proving that my mom's family isn't entirely useless liars [article]:

The three-way light bulb was invented by Alessandro Dandini, who patented more than 22 inventions, including the rigid retractable automobile top and the spherical system, which concentrates and extracts solar energy. Dandini came to the U.S. in 1945, and taught at the University of Nevada in Reno. He held degrees in science, languages, hydraulic engineering and classical literature. He died in 1991 at age 88.

That's my grandomother's sister. She did do some good stuff. Though, I have to say, she did write a book of lies. I am trying to find said book of lies, but it's slow going. I don't remember what it's called - but she said that her father invented white gloves and was pivotal in there emergence in Philadelphia culture.

Part 1 of List to Do Before I Die [LTDBID]: Buffy Wannabe

[Also on MS Blog]

I'm morbid. I have issues with death and loss. So I think a lot about things that I want to do before I die. The list is quite long, so I decided to list it in themes. This first theme is movie-style stunts/violence that I want to experience. I decided to write these down so that I will get them done eventually.

1. I want to roudhouse kick someone to the face
2. I want to pistol whip someone
3. I want to flip someone over my shoulder but then step on their neck.

To clarify, I don't want to do this to some innocent person just walking down the street (though, really, who is innocent when you think about it?) But I will have to have some sort of screening method so that I'm not just assaulting people. It would be easy enough if there was a blatant reason for this - like if they were a zombie and about to eat my brains. However, as much as I want to, I have yet to see a zombie. Also, what if someone says "Oh, she's a zombie" meaning just an apathetic person. But in my zeal to see a zombie, and perform some awesome superhero feat, I go after someone who's just smoked too much pot. And if I ever went to the Baltimore Zombie Walk (http://www.baltimorezombiewalk.com), how would I know who was a real zombie? That would be a great place to hide if I were a zombie, though. But I doubt they think that strategically.

Preferably, I will be saving someone besides myself by performing said acts of violence. Like saving a baby from a lycanthrope. Though that might be a horrible generalization - how do I know that all lycanthropes are bad? They may be unfairly maligned - I don't have much experience with them, unfortunately (nothing fun ever happens to me).

Crap - just realized, should probably have supernatural powers to do this. Well, since I wasn't a "chosen" one that I know of and I wasn't born on Krypton, I am crap out of luck. Unless there is some nuclear fallout or if I am experimenting with gamma radiation. Bullshit, man, bullshit.

OK, so that's my first list. Obviously, after having discussed it a bit, it is clear that I just want to be Buffy.

The Donger Learned How to Clean!

[Also on MS page]

So I had a meltdown last week regarding my brother, Eddie (aka The Donger). I have been having a hard time with him because he is beyond filthy. I think he took a dump on the floor of his bathroom (though he said it was the dog - I don't know). Anyway, I told him that I would feel much better if he would help me clean on my day off yesterday. After explaining that feces are bad and should not be anywhere outside of a toilet bowl the second before they are flushed, we hit a stride. First we bought a lot of ammonia and disinfectant. My instructions were: Go to the kitchen. Look to your left. Open cabinet under the sink and pull out toilet bowl cleaner with your right hand. Walk back to bathroom and find toilet bowl brush in cabinet. Close cabinet. . .um. . .people don't usually use their hand to clean the toilet, they use a brush. . . seriously, I would suggest a brush or at least a glove. . .okay, I'll just go over here now and pretend that I didn't just see that. . .

At least I am no longer living in degredation in squalor. Though my room is a pit of despair, at least there are no turds anywhere. There's always a bright side.

Bastards, I tell you. . .and I'm a bitch. . .

[Abbreviated version also on MS Blog]

City Paper Article

This is a link to the most mysogynistic article ever. I hate this guy - he is the reason that I hate the bar scene and hate dating. However, I will admit that I understand where this is coming from. When there is a loss or when there is a rejection, it is awfully hard not to fill that void with anyone and anything that comes in ones path. I have definitely done that - lived by the motto that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. It's a shallow sort of existence, as this article points out. It doesn't make it any easier for someone on the receiving end of this sort of treatment. (So horrible - when I go onto OK Cupid, I have to be careful or I'll run into some of the people who have been on the receiving end of my bitchery. I didn't want to be mean, but it just happened. This is not including the penis deformity duo - I don't fee bad about ditching them.)

I am finally getting to the point in my life when I want a relationship - I spent my early and mid 20s in relationships. I have been enjoying the single life for about 3 and a half years now and it's been good, actually. Been dating - usually not much amounts from this except for amusing stories about deformed penises and alleged blog-writing. One or two haven't sucked, but I haven't wanted to be in a relationship at all, let alone with them. My online dating history has been less than successful. I mean, two deformed penises and the licker do not amount to a rousing success. And of course, there are the two engagements which are never ending fodder of amusement to my friends (I'm looking at you Robin) that I didn't meet online. So either way, it seems that I am a mess.

The above article is why I HATE dating. I really do. I know that one day I want to find someone to spend my life with - granted if I can find a person that can stand me (big order) and who I can stand (even bigger order). When you are hot (which I am assuming because I don't know from personal experience, so this is conjecture) you apparently don't need to be interesting - for both women and men. So don't go for the super-hot girls if you want interesting conversation - go for the cute girls who may not be the hot chicks but are unfathomably more interesting. And if all you want is sex, hire a prostitute - it's much less effort. And can be cheaper than plowing someone with drinks (and roofies if you are hanging out at Rumors - whole other story). The superficial bullshit really pisses me off - as bitchy as I have been, I have never been superficial about it (okay, maybe a few times - deformities, morbid obesity with leg-dragging and teeth at right angles to head are clearly exceptions to this rule - I think of that as evolutionary protection of the species, not unduly superficial).

Most of my friends are now in relationships that are for the most part functional - I guess I just feel like the only single person I know right now. Just getting to that age, I guess. I spent my early 20s in relationships, so now I'm in my late 20s and in bizarre reversal of things, I am playing the field while everyone else is in a relationship.

Well, here is the picture of the droid cat that I am going to live with when I am all old and alone. He's kind of scary - I will call him Mort. As Kim pointed out, Mort is Death's Helper, which is quite fitting.

Grey area revisited (from La Choi's previous post)

So La Choi brought up the whole grey area (or is it grey? Long pause as lookup the difference between gray and grey - basically, grey is a "colour" while gray is a color - since I am an anglophile, I think I will stick with grey to be more authentically wannabe - think Madonna). Anyway, the grey area is not unfamiliar to anyone who has been single for more than 10 minutes. It's a dating purgatory - when the relationship is stuck between casual dating and exclusive relationship. It's the part where you start to think that maybe this person isn't the Antichrist, a fuckwit, a crossdresser who will beat you with his dildo for stealing his shoes. When you realize that you like this person more than just a once-a-week date/sex/awkward conversation. It's before you've had the talk about where this relationship is going. And if you are not open about the fact that you or he may be dating other people (which one of you probably is), this is the time when you may have to acknowledge that fact. And this may come out in slight paranoia every time he says he is busy, even if he is doing his laundry or working over the weekend.

And I know this happens to me, but I start to hate being single. I am fine when I am completely unattached, but when the possibility is there, just out of reach, is when I start to feel like a singleton. It's an aggravating phase that lasts until I either break up with the person (unleashing a whole lot of dating/rejection neuroses) or get into an exclusive relationship (unleashing the relationship neuroses and self-sabotage). So neither is a good place for me - one day I'll probably have to work on that. But I am coming to terms that I am going to die alone with cats - provided that they are droid cats and I don't have to deal with actual care, cleaning and feeding. But I digress. . .

I am currently in a situation that could be constituted as a grey area. I wrestle with the question of whether to push the situation to something that neither of us may be ready for - it's like there is this conventional, bourgeoisie, cotillian dancing traditionalist who is evil and fills my head with annoying thoughts of the Volvo-driving, soccer mom lifestyle that I wouldn't be able to tolerate (apologies to any VDSMs who take offense, but I had to raise a brother from the worst ages ever - 14 to 18 - and I my biological clock has been snoozed for about 10 years). It's like I can't accept that this relationship is good where it is - this could all be part of the self-sabotage again. I should just accept it, though - it's great where it is right now. Can I just accept that?

I don't know if there is someone out there who I will be able to settle down with one day - I just know I don't want to decide one day that I'm ready to settle down and settle with the person I am with at the time - that is settling for mediocrity, as La Choi pointed out.

Thieving, destructive bastards. . .

So I wake up this morning, set to leave AMA's house, as usual (amorous male acquaintance, topic of whole other blog). Get to sister's house and come out to discovery that tire is completely flat. May be mechanical half-wit, but do know enough to recognize driving on a flat tire. Take out jack, and of course it's nonsense and stupid stick figure diagrams make no sense whatsoever. Neighbor comes out with some huge jack-like device and puts my donut on in about 5 seconds (it probably would have taken me about a day and a half).

Finally took to tire place, which miraculously was open on Sunday (thank goodness for secularization of society - otherwise would have to wait until Monday - instant gratification is grand). There was a "special" man who took the order - nice and willing, but not overly able, if you catch me. He took it to a surly man in the back who showed me the place where the tire had been slashed.

First thing I think of is: who did I piss off? Not anyone of late. Of course, could have been demeted Scottish man, but at last notice, was still in Scotland. But still quite furious about alleged blogs about himself. Besides, have gotten new car since demented Scottish bastard knew me (in fact, car only two weeks in my posession, which is even more irritating). Called AMA to tell him and he went to check his car - and his tire was flat to. As was his neighbor's. GAH - whole slashing frenzy. Little bastards. $116.00 of pain in my ass. Not to mention AMA - they stole his laptop earlier in the week during the whole broken door debacle. And they smashed the pumpkins - when will it all end?

Little juvenile delinquints - remind me of the boys went to Catholic school with. Except for that would have been childs' play for the ringleader, Chris. He drove himself to school when he was 12. Shaped an icicle into an icepick, put it into a snowball, and then threw it at another kid - who had a hole in his cheek and had to eat his food out of a syringe. I wonder what happened to that kid? He's probably a hired killer somewhere. Good person to know.