Proclamation!

So last week I discovered I could no longer fit into ANY of my clothes. Seriously - it was insane. I only have like 5 articles of clothing and I couldn't fit into any of them. So I did the logical thing first and blamed the washer and dryer (named Crap and Ass, respectively). I swore at them, kicked them a little and swore revenge. Then I copped on to myself and realized that it was silly to blame the appliances - they do a lot for me and I was ungrateful. I apologized profusely but then turned my anger on the clothes. Stupid inferior clothes that shrink. I hate them so much - I will get my revenge on them as soon as I get some clothes to cover nakedness.

When I get to work, SHOVED into my clothes, I realize that perhaps, just perhaps, it may be my issue. In an extreme measure of "taking responsibility" which people seem to be so fond, I weighed myself on Monday and then again on Friday - I GAINED 10 POUNDS in five days. HOLY MOTHERLOVING FUCKING SHIT. Some of this is water from Satan's Painful Tool of Torture and Doom (or Prednisone as medical professionals call it). I had decided to eat whatever I wanted and my body responded by blowing up like I don't know what - a thing that blows up but is more interesting than a blimp.

I made the monumental decision last week to actually do something about this. So I am starting on a lifestyle change. I simply cannot gain 10 lbs a week - I hate shopping with a fiery passion, so I need to fit into my clothes. So I am going to eat vegetables and other things that occur in nature. Then I may move a little bit to burn a calorie or two.

I am turning thirty next year - and I am planning to have lost a little bit of weight by then. Then my sister (who has lost like millions of pounds already and is looking fabulous) and I will go to an exotic place and hijinks will ensue with our new svelte selves. This I proclaim.